


what is dead may never die

by nyxveuss



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Baby Harry Potter, Canon-Typical Violence, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, POV Regulus Black, Regulus Black Deserves Better, Regulus Black Feels, Regulus Black Lives, Regulus Black Needs a Hug, Regulus Black-centric, Walburga Black's A+ Parenting, its just regulus black okay
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-19
Updated: 2020-05-19
Packaged: 2021-03-03 04:54:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,666
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24269290
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nyxveuss/pseuds/nyxveuss
Summary: before he can be drowned by the inferi, kreacher disapparates regulus to sirius black and remus lupin's apartment.orhow things should have gone in canon.
Relationships: James Potter/Lily Evans Potter, Regulus Black & Sirius Black, Sirius Black & Remus Lupin & James Potter, Sirius Black & Remus Lupin & Peter Pettigrew & James Potter, Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 34
Kudos: 1103





	what is dead may never die

**Author's Note:**

> title and chapter names come from 'wheres my love' by SYML. hope u enjoy lmao. it's been done a few times but you can never have too many regulus & sirius fics so here we go. make sure to like a comment if you want :)

James sat in the small kitchen of Sirius and Remus’ apartment, a hot cup of tea pressed into his palm. His eyelids were heavy with exhaustion, although he couldn’t find it in himself to sleep. He was restless and his head hurt. After turning around on the couch (since they didn’t have a spare bed) for more than a few hours, he’d finally decided to give up.

He wasn’t going to sleep anytime soon.

Lily would curse him for being so insufferable. James had left her and Harry at their house while he took a break from parenting. Lily had already spent a few days with Dorcas and Marlene, meaning now it was James’ turn for a time off.

He raised the mug to his lips to take another sip of hot tea when there was a sudden  _ crack _ and thud.

The brunette startled, liquid spilling over his hand with a small “ _ shit! _ ”. His wand was raised the next second, attention pulled towards the living room where the sound had come from. A voice in the back of his mind reminded him that it sounded awfully like someone had apparated into the apartment. Which should have been impossible, considering the wards.

James was expecting an attacker, maybe even a Death Eater, but what he saw instead was a black lump on the living room carpet. His eyebrows furrowed, wand still raised.

The figure was thin and short, covered in a black coat that seemed to swallow them. A patch of liquid had formed underneath the lump, too dark to be just water but too thin to be just blood. Their coat seemed drenched too, as well as the inky black hair covering their face.

James adjusted his glasses before prodding the figure with the end of his wand. No reaction. He took a deep breath before hesitantly using his wand to move the figure’s hair from their face.

He blinked owlishly at the face.  _ Sirius? _ No, not Sirius. The figure was smaller, their hair was silkier and their face paler. The man’s —  _ boy’s? _ — nose was thinner too, more buttoned than Sirius’. His eyebrows were cleaner and more elegant than Sirius could ever hope for.

“Regulus?”

The name must have awoken the man, since he swung upright with a loud, heaving cough. James leaned back, wand raised high again while Regulus —  _ what on Earth was he doing here? _ — choked on water. 

“Merlin’s beard!” James exclaimed, unprepared for the lungfuls of water that the man was heaving up.

When the gagging had finally stopped, Regulus looked up at James with bloodshot eyes. He looked dead. Like —  _ dead _ . His skin was grey and his lips had faded to a sickly purple. Water weighed his hair down, as if he’d just been drowned (and considering the amount of water he’d just thrown up, he may have been). He was shaking, face scrunched in pain. 

Maybe it was James’ ingrained instinct to help those around him or maybe it was because Regulus looked too much like Sirius for him to simply  _ ignore _ , but the older man quickly found himself leading the man (he was only a few years younger than Sirius, so  _ boy _ ) to the couch. Remus could complain about the water later.

James quickly cast a patronus, telling it to wake up Sirius and Remus, before he was performing a diagnostic spell to check for injuries. The blue glow around Regulus’ lungs confirmed his belief on him having almost drowned. Red lines glowed through his coat, suggesting multiple lacerations, with an extra dark one on his hand. The purple meant bruises and the grey around his head meant concussion. A black shadow had formed around his left forearm, and James didn’t need to look to know it was sensing the dark magic in the Dark Mark.

The green aura that had formed around the boy meant he had also been poisoned. 

_ What the bloody hell happened to you? _ James wanted to ask. He needed Sirius for that though.

Regulus looked at him in confusion, body stuttering in either shock, cold or the effects of the potion. James didn’t know which he prefered. He wasn’t as good with potions as Lily was.

“Wha…” Regulus trailed off into a blurry mumble. “B-bloo’y elv.”

James had the impression that he meant ‘bloody elf’. Or maybe ‘bloody hell’.

“What are you doing here? How did you even get in?”

The boy only stared at him, and James shivered at the emptiness of his eyes. Like Sirius’ but  _ sadder _ . Like in first year, before James had opened his eyes to what it was like to have a best friend and little things like what a hug was. If he remembered correctly, Sirius had been incredibly excited to teach his little brother how to hug too. (James wonders if he ever did).

“I can’t… I can’t b-be ‘ereee,” Regulus slurred, eyes swimming with delirium. He seemed to have trouble keeping his head up. “I shhhould be… be de-dead. Hnnn, it  _ hurtsss _ .”

That made James pause. He was confused, and he didn’t get what Regulus was trying to say. He should be dead? No shit, he sure as hell  _ looked _ dead!

Before he could ask another question, Sirius and Remus came stumbling into the room. The latter looked alert and awake while the former rubbed his eyes weakly. 

“What the bloody hell did you wake us up fo—”

Sirius stopped at the sight of his brother, expression flickering between  _ angerpainannoyanceguiltfearhatredconfusion  _ before settling on blank disdain. 

“What is he doing here?” he asked lowly, eyes suddenly dark.

“I don’t know. He just… he just appeared. Apparated, I think, but—”

“The wards shouldn’t have allowed that,” Remus interrupted, eyebrows furrowed. He cast a few spells to check on the state of the wards, before looking even more confused. “They’re fine, so how is he…”

Remus trailed off, seeming to take in the exact state of the young Black.

James sighed, nodding because  _ yeah, he looked dead _ . “He was… drowning, I think. I don’t know. He’s drenched, and he threw up about two gallons of water when he woke up. And he’s bleeding. Bruised pretty bad too, has a concussion. He seems to have consumed a potion, as well. I don’t— I don’t know what one. But it isn’t anything good.”

Sirius looked conflicted as he walked over to the couch. “Why do you care? We should just throw him out onto the street. He’s a  _ Death Eater _ , James. I don’t care—”

“Stop lying to yourself, Sirius,” James snapped back. “I get that he’s done some bad things—”

“Bad things?” Sirius asked incredulously. “He’s on  _ Voldemort’s _ side! He’s killed people, James. Innocent people. I don’t care if he’s my brother, he doesn’t deserve our help.”

“Then why did he come  _ here _ ? If he was the person you think he is then he’d have gone to your parents, or your cousin or his bloody Death Eater friends, wouldn’t he?”

The eldest Black seemed to pause, considering James’ perspective. “If he does  _ anything _ —”

“Then he’s out, yes, definitely. I’m not happy about playing doc for a Death Eater, Sirius, but I will if it’s your brother. You’ll regret it if you don’t.” James’ voice softened towards the end.

“You argue too much,” Regulus mumbled from the couch, and the three Marauder’s attention snapped towards him.

“He’s  _ awake _ ?” Remus asked. James nodded.

Sirius’ eyes narrowed in annoyance again. “Great, so we can ask some good old questions,” he started. “How did you get past the wards?”

Regulus blinked, eyes still dead. “That’s the first thing you ask, really?”

“ _ How did you get past the wards? _ ” Sirius repeated, closing in on his brother.

“Kreacher… I think,” the thin boy sighed, looked down.

“How—”

“Nobody ever thinks to put up wards against house-elf magic, do they?” Regulus’ brow raised elegantly, and James wondered if Sirius’ could do it with the same poise.

The oldest brother frowned. “So you used the slimy little thing to—”

“I didn’t use him. He… he did it himself.”

“Explain,” Remus demanded.

Regulus sighed, wincing in pain. “He defied my order. I told him— I told him to leave me and he— he didn’t.”

“He defied your order? But  _ how _ ?”

“I don’t—” Regulus seemed to writhe a bit, his brows scrunching in pain. “I don’t  _ know _ . He thought… he must have thought it was in my best interest. Can I— water?  _ Please _ ?”

“Coming  _ here _ was in your best interest?” James questioned, slightly unbelieving. He went to the kitchen, bringing back a glass of water. “Why would the elf — Kreacher — think that?”

“ _ I don’t know _ ,” Regulus answered, voice turning to a high whine. He kept twitching, as if his muscles were having small spasms every few seconds.

The three Marauders made eye contact when Regulus chugged the water down in one gulp.

“Your eyebrows are shaking. You always do that when you’re in pain. What hurts?” Sirius asked bluntly.

Regulus chuffed out a short laugh, wincing. “Everything.”

“As in  _ everything, _ everything? Or like mother just threw you down the stairs, everything?” 

“You know that was one of her  _ lighter _ punishments. Somewhere between Bellatrix’s cruciatus and mother’s.”

Remus and James sent each other equally horrified looks.

“I never did have the honour to get Bellatrix’s cruciatus. I’m sure she wanted to though,” Sirius said offhandedly, but his friends could see the tilt of concern in his face.

Regulus smiled smally; bitter and sad. “Not nearly as bad as mother’s. Didn’t even scream. I think I bruised her ego a bit—”

He cut himself off with a shuddering groan. “Okay,” he said breathlessly. “Getting a bit closer to mother’s now.”

“Why? What— is it the potion?” James asked, slightly panicked by the sudden change in atmosphere.

“What potion?” Remus asked, terribly confused about the whole situation. The two Black brothers had just been comparing the intensity of people’s cruciatus curses— as if it wasn’t  _ illegal _ to perform one.

“I don’t know. The diagnostic spell told me he had ingested a potion. It was dark green, so it has to be pretty bad,” James replied.

Sirius looked at him as if he’d grown three heads. “You said he’d drunk a potion, not one that appeared as  _ dark green _ !”

“His symptoms weren’t too bad, so I thought—”

“Blacks don’t show  _ symptoms _ , Jamie—”

“Shut up!” Remus demanded, waving his hands. “We don’t have the supplies, nor skills, for this. We don’t even know what it  _ is _ . Who can we— who can we call? Who's good with potions?”

They all looked at each other, knowing the obvious answer.  _ Lily _ .

They were apparating to the Potter’s home after a very heated discussion about whether or not it was a smart decision. A lot of  _ “are you crazy? He’s probably a spy or something!” _ and  _ “do you really want to endanger your wife and child? _ ” were spouted, before Regulus had begun screaming and they decided maybe it was worth the risk.

“Lily, please, we don’t know what to do,” James had said when they burst into the living room. “We can explain everything later. We took his wand and he’s probably in too much pain to do something anyway. Please.”

The redhead had been surprisingly less angry than they’d expected.

“What happened?” she demanded as they lay Regulus down on the couch. 

“We don’t know exactly. He— he showed up and then started screaming. A potion. I don’t know what one. Showed up as dark green on the diagnostic spell. He’s bleeding too. Cuts all over him.”

Lily frowned, eyes narrowed in concentration as she got to work. “Help me get this off,” she said, trying to tug off the coat as Regulus writhed in pain.

The sight made the four of them shudder. His skin was sickly pale, blood smeared everywhere. There were hundreds upon hundreds of cuts —  _ scratches _ , James thought. It looked like a werewolf had attacked him or something.

“Oh, what the  _ hell _ ,” Remus cursed, face scrunching in horror.

A quick ‘tergeo’ had the blood disappearing, only to reveal just how many cuts were littering his body. There was a deep trio of gashes which hugged from the right side of his rib cage, down to his left hip. There were bruises upon bruises as well, as if someone had used his skin as a watercolour canvas. 

“James, bring me the blood-replenishing potion. Dark red, large bottle, should be towards the front left. The Dittany as well, you know where that is. We can see if a bezoar works, but… I’m not sure. Some Drought of Peace couldn’t hurt either.”

Her husband left to get the required potions.

Lily sighed, lifting a hand to the boy’s head to check his temperature. “The cuts I can heal. But I’ll be honest with you. I have absolutely no clue what this is. There are a few potions which inflict pain but… but it shouldn’t be anything close to  _ this _ .”

She gestured towards where Regulus was trying desperately not to scream.

“Merlin, Reggie, what have you gotten yourself into?” Sirius questioned rhetorically, fingers running through his hair for the twentieth time.

It only got worse when Regulus began talking.

“‘M sorry,” he said breathlessly.

“No, it’s— you’re alright, Reggie. I’m not angry at you. Right now at least.”

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.”

Sirius’ brows furrowed as his frown deepened. “Reg?”

Regulus thrashed, eyes squeezed shut against the pain. “I’m sorry, mother. Stop,  _ please! _ ”

The eldest brother felt his heart drop like a heavy stone.

Remus looked towards Lily. “Hallucinations. Does that narrow down what this might be?”

Lily shook her head. “No— it just… it just makes it more difficult. Pain, hallucinations…”

Sirius winced, tearing his eyes away from where his brother was whimpering;  _ ‘sorry, sorry, please stop, no, stop’ _ .

“They’re not hallucinations.”

Remus and Lily sent him confused looks.

“They’re memories.”

Remus scowled. “Your mother is  _ sick _ .”

_ “It’s not my fault, mother. It’s not my fault he left, please—” _

Sirius seemed to gag at the realisation. The memory was from after he’d left. Walburga had— she’d punished him because Sirius left. This is all Sirius’ fault.

_ “I’m sorry, Sirius, please forgive— please forgive me. You have to forgive me.” _

“Where is  _ James _ ?” Lily questioned, clearly losing patience.

_ “Please, don’t— don’t leave me with them. I can’t— I’m sorry for being such a bad brother. I didn’t mean to, you have to believe me. Sirius, please.” _

Sirius made a noise as if he was a kicked puppy. “I’m gonna be sick.”

Lily’s expression softened. “Could you go get a wet cloth? And a glass of water? His temperature is awfully high.”

The animagus nodded, thankful for the distraction. 

James came back soon after with all the potions in hand. Lily sighed in relief, taking the blood-replenishing potion. She attempted raising it to Regulus’ mouth for him to drink, but the boy thrashed in retaliation.

_ “No, no more, no more. I can’t—” _

“Yes, you can. It will make you feel better,” Lily tried, smoothing back his hair as she tried to make him drink it a second time.

She got a few sips in that time, before Regulus refused again. Thankfully that was enough. Forcing him to consume the bezoar was even harder. If Severus Snape’s claims that  _ “just shoving a bezoar down their throat” _ would work, then Lily would trust him on that. He’d always been the best at potions.

“Please,” she said, while Remus held him down by the shoulders.

_ “No!” _

The redhead had to use the freezing charm to stop him from moving in the end, which seemed to work. She felt awfully guilty about it though, when Regulus simply twitched under the spell. As soon as he’d drunk some Draught of Peace as well, she performed the counter-curse. Applying the Dittany was simple once he was half-asleep.

“So,” she spoke, once everything had quietened down and she was sure Regulus wasn’t going to drop dead. “Does anyone want to explain to me why I just had to shove a bezoar down a Death Eater’s throat so that he wouldn’t die from an unknown potion, after  _ you _ idiots brought him here?”

“We really don’t know,” Sirius replied, placing the cool cloth across his brother’s forehead. He hated how it reminded him of when they were a child. When Regulus got a fever and their parents weren’t bothered to take care of him.

“Well I’m terribly sorry but I have a two-month old son upstairs who you’ve just endangered by bringing Voldemort’s little pawn here,” Lily said firmly. “I didn’t curse him on the spot because he’s your brother. But if I believe he has any intention of harming my son then—”

“You’ll kill him,” James interrupted. “It’s okay, love, he’s not doing anything with me here.”

Lily smiled softly, melting into her husband’s side when he wrapped his arm around her shoulder. “So? How did you find him?”

James’ smile dulled. “He apparated into Moony and Padfoot’s apartment. Scared the living shit out of me. Thought he was dead at first, but I knew he wasn’t ‘cause he was shaking like crazy. Didn’t know who he was either, but he looked exactly like Sirius so I guessed it was Regulus. When he woke up he coughed up a ton of water. I think he might have almost drowned. I did a diagnostic spell; cuts all over his body, water in his lungs, concussion, bruising, potion. There’s a different cut on his hand, see?”

He pointed to the deep gash across Regulus’ right palm. It looked like a knife wound, unlike the others which looked like animal claw-marks.

“I thought he’d done it to  _ himself _ at first, but its on his right hand so—”

“He’s left handed,” Sirius interrupted.

“Oh,” James’ face fell.

Remus pulled their attention back to the situation. “So what the bloody hell happened? He shows up, apparently on his house-elf’s doing. He cut himself, has animal claw-marks all over him, almost drowned, consumed an unknown potion— I mean, what the  _ bloody hell _ happened?”

The group didn’t have an answer.

“Maybe he wanted out,” James suggested. “Tried to leave and they… did this. Explains why he showed up at your place instead of his parents or whatever.”

Sirius scratched his jaw. “Sounds like something the little coward would do.”

James frowned “You cannot seriously be  _ angry _ at him for changing sides, can you?”

“I don’t know  _ what _ to think, Prongs!” Sirius exclaimed. “I don’t see my little brother for  _ years _ , I assume Bellatrix has finally convinced him to take the Mark, I hear nothing about him and then  _ suddenly _ he’s bleeding out in my living room! What am I supposed to think?”

“I don’t know, maybe be  _ grateful _ ?” James questioned in response. “If he’s turned sides then maybe he has information to provide. This… this could help, Padfoot.”

“Yeah, well,” Lily pursed her lips, looking over at the youngest Black, “you’re not getting anything out of him at the moment. We can tell Dumbledore, ask him some questions when he wakes up. I have some Veritaserum as well, since I don’t know how long I can wait without knowing if he’s a spy or not.”

“Okay,” they all agreed.

They’d ask him in the morning.

━━━━━━━━━

Regulus Black looked too fragile as he sat on the spongy chair, facing the group of Order members. Sirius didn’t like it. He didn’t know why.

His cuts had mostly healed from last night, although pale thin lines still etched their way across his skin. The scar on his hand was pink with still-healing flesh. It seemed as though he hadn’t slept in years, although Sirius couldn’t blame him since obviously the potion had taken its toll. His skin was grey and dark loops were drawn under his eyes; dull, dead eyes.

James Potter, Lily Potter nee Evans, Sirius Black and Remus Lupin all stood (and sat) opposite him in varying levels of apprehension and patience. Lily and James were settled into the plush couch, half melting into it. Sirius had himself splayed messily over the armrest like the dramatic Gryffindor he was and Remus was insistent on standing. 

“You can imagine how many questions we have, since you’re a Death Eater,” Lily spoke, a stern sort of tone to her voice. Regulus’ eyes were blank, but twitched at the address. “I’m risking a lot having you here. My son’s life is a part of that risk and if you so much as  _ think _ about him you’ll be on your way to Azkaban. Get it?”

“Yes,” the black-haired boy replied simply, eyes flicker. 

“You also understand why we’re making you take Veritaserum, yes?” Remus added.

Regulus hesitated before nodding, clearly nervous at the idea of being so vulnerable. “Preferable over Legilimency. I will do it. As long as you don’t ask about anything you shouldn’t.”

“Alright,” Lily nodded. James pushed the small glass of Veritaserum across the coffee table, and Regulus drank it with a slight wince.

“So what do you want to know?”

“Are you still faithful to Voldemort?” Sirius asked, too impatient to wait.

Regulus looked at him for a second before looking back to Lily. “No, I’m not faithful to the Dark Lord.”

“Why?”

“He…” Regulus paused, trying to find the right words. “He hurt something of mine. And I realised just how far he would go in order to achieve immortality.”

James’ eyes squinted in suspicion and Regulus resisted the urge to roll his eyes.

Sirius scoffed. “So it’s all fine until the person he hurts is someone you care about? Is that how selfish you really are?”

“Please do not act as if you have any modicum of understanding when it comes to my situation, Sirius. Contrary to your beliefs, we have very different lives.”

“Oh sure. You signed yourself up to Voldemort while I—”

“It was not that simple and you know it, so stop acting like an insolent child,” Regulus snapped, silver eyes growing dark.

Sirius glared back.

“You said you realised how far he would go for immortality,” Remus spoke up. “What did you mean by that?”

Regulus faltered, looking conflicted for a moment. “I… I discovered his secret. How he—” His neck rolled as he shivered, as if fighting an instinct. Or fighting a potion. “I found out how he has achieved immortality.”

“Has?” James asked, taken aback. “He’s already  _ done _ it?”

Regulus nodded.

“How?”

The pale boy winced. Another roll of his neck told the group that he was trying not to say something. “He…” Regulus huffed. “He used dark magic. Very dark magic. They don’t even have books on it in the Black family library.”

Sirius’ eyebrows raised at that. His parents kept some dark stuff in the library, that was for sure.

“You’re avoiding the name, Regulus. Remember you said you would be honest,” Lily reminded him with a stern raise of her brow. Regulus was reminded of Professor McGonnagal for a moment. “What is the name of this dark magic?”

“It’s a—” Regulus coughed. Groaned and clenched his jaw against the power of the Veritaserum. “A horcrux, _ it’s called a horcrux _ .”

There was a moment of silence. And then another. When the pause stretched on for too long, Regulus began to pull at the hem of his shirt (Sirius’ shirt, since his last one was basically just shreds of fabric at that point).

“What the fuck is a horcrux?”

Regulus sighed, shoulders tensing because of the topic of conversation.

“It’s an object… You… There is a ritual performed involving such vile and inhumane acts that the wizard’s soul is torn apart. A piece… a piece of the soul is placed into an object. While the wizard’s body may die, the horcrux remains and so does their soul. The Dark Lord… he made a horcrux.”

The room fell silent at the news. Regulus was beginning to really hate silence.

Remus began pacing behind the couch that James and Lily were sat in, hand rubbing his jaw absentmindedly.

“And you… found this out  _ how _ exactly?” the werewolf questioned, turning abruptly on his heel to face the ex-Death Eater.

“The Dark Lord may be one of the greatest wizards of the time, but he is as arrogant as he is skilled. He boasts, and he boasts so that people know how  _ great _ he is. He especially loves to boast about how close he is to being immortal. And he— he used Kreacher to… to hide it.”

“Kreacher?” Sirius’ eyebrows furrowed. His expression was somewhere between confusion, disdain and annoyance. “That slimy rat is— what? Doing Voldemort’s bidding now?”

Regulus resisted the urge to defend his loyal house-elf, instead biting his tongue. “He… the Dark Lord needed a house-elf for an important task. I offered Kreacher, believing it to only be small. I ordered him to come back immediately after he had completed the task. He… I thought it was fine. But then Kreacher apparated back, shivering and dying of thirst, saying that the Dark Lord had left him to die. The only reason Kreacher had survived was because I ordered him to come back straight away.”

“That’s the thing you cared about that he hurt. Kreacher?” James asked.

Regulus nodded. “It may seem futile, since he’s only a house-elf, but he’s been the only one loyal to me since Sirius left.”

The oldest brother ignored the stinging pain at those words.

“And then?”

“I told him to tell me everything that happened. So I… I put together that and the boasting and weeks of research until I found out what it was. A horcrux.”

“Kreacher’s task was to hide the horcrux?” Lily questioned. “Where?”

Regulus seemed to tense, shoulders going stiff. “In a cave.” His voice turned soft and dull. “I ordered Kreacher to take me… and he showed me how to get inside. To open it, you needed to provide a blood sacrifice.”

The boy raised his left palm, where the still-healing scar stretched across his skin. He breathed loudly, as if preparing for something difficult.

“There was a lake and in the centre was an island with a basin… like Kreacher had described. I—” Regulus’ breath hitched. “I ordered Kreacher to force me to drink the potion inside, so that he could swap the locket with a copy I had made, then leave. And— and I started to drink it.

“It burned. I don’t know what it was but it burned worse than anything I’ve ever felt. It… made me hallucinate, I guess. Worst memories… my biggest fears. I begged Kreacher to stop, but since I’d ordered him to force it to me, he made me finish it. He swapped out the locket and then… I don’t know, it was a blur. The potion makes you extremely thirsty, like I’d said. So… so in my dream-like state I reached to the lake to drink the water. I’d do anything, you see. And— and as soon as I touched it, the Inferi were awoken.”

“Inferi?” James asked with widened eyes. He had begun leaning forward in his seat, elbows on his knees. “How did you get out?”

Regulus looked troubled. “I don’t know. They dragged me into the water, tried to drown me. I was dying— I was  _ supposed _ to die. I thought I did but then… I guess Kreacher broke my order and apparated me to Sirius’ apartment instead. The blood bond means that he knows where he always is. I don’t— I don’t know how, but then I woke up there and then the effects of the potion came back tenfold and— and then I woke up here.”

Everyone was silent as they tried to digest the story.

_ Horcruxes? Inferi?  _

“Merlin’s beard, Reggie, what were you thinking?” Sirius asked.

Regulus scowled at that. “What do you think I was doing? You’re welcome, I guess. I almost died to get that bloody thing. I should have— I should have died.”

“Why do you keep saying that like you wish for it to be true?” Sirius exclaimed, annoyed by the repetition.

“Because I do!” Regulus shouted back, breathing heavily. “I  _ should _ have died. I was  _ supposed _ to die. I went there  _ knowing _ it was the last thing I would do!”

“Why? Merlin,  _ why _ would you do that?”

“Because I’d rather die in that cave, knowing the last thing I did would help defeat Voldemort, rather than be killed by him when he realised what I’d done! I didn’t have— I didn’t have any  _ reason _ to stick around after that. I was fine with dying then.”

Sirius ran his hands down his face. “God, don’t  _ say _ that, Reg.”

“Why not? Of course you don’t understand. I don’t expect you to. I’m not  _ brave _ like you, Sirius. I didn’t do it to be the hero, I didn’t do it because Voldemort’s just  _ so bad _ . I did it because it was the only thing that would make me satisfied in death. Because I couldn’t die still feeling guilty. I had— I  _ had _ to do it.”

Regulus was breathing heavily after he’d finished, eyes passionate and emotional and everything  _ not Regulus _ . 

Sirius felt his throat clench. “You walked to your  _ death _ , Reggie. Don’t you— that was suicidal!”

“So what?” Regulus said with a firm jaw.

“Why would you want to die, Reg?” the eldest Black looked ready to cry.

Regulus looked conflicted. “Because there was no  _ point _ in staying here. I had no reason beyond— beyond impressing mother and father. Beyond gaining the Dark Lord’s trust. That’s…” he sighed. “That’s all I’ve really known, Sirius.”

“That’s such bullshit,” Sirius spat. “You use to have so much more.”

“Yes, I  _ use  _ to, Sirius,” Regulus snapped. “I use to, before you  _ left _ . Before you made me mother and father’s last resort. Before you ran away to live your  _ carefree life _ while I was left with the consequences.”

Sirius’ eyes softened. “I didn’t… I didn’t think she’d punish you for that, Reg—”

“It has nothing to do with that!” Regulus shouted. “It didn’t matter how many times she hit me, or used the cruciatus on me or locked me in the attic. That was  _ never _ the issue! It was  _ you _ . It was you leaving everything on me. Because suddenly the first option wasn’t there anymore. I was the spare. I was the plan B. In case plan A became a complete nutter.  _ That _ was my purpose. To be the Black heir, since you no longer counted as part of the family. And I tried  _ so hard _ to be everything they wanted. But it wasn’t enough for them. I still wasn’t their first born. Because it didn’t matter if you were a disgrace or if you ran off to Potter or if you were sorted into Gryffindor— they still wanted you!”

“Regulus—”

“ _ They always wanted you!  _ I took the bloody  _ Dark Mark _ just to make them proud. To make them love me like they used to love you. To make them stop  _ comparing _ me to your  _ ghost _ ! And even  _ that _ wasn’t enough!”

“That wasn’t my fault,” Sirius said with a weak voice. His mind couldn’t quite grasp itself around the information being poured into it; the emotions Regulus had hid all this time.

“No,” Regulus replied, voice cracking after shouting for so long. “And I hate you for it. I want to blame you and curse you and force you to understand what I went through but— but I  _ can’t _ . I can’t.”

Sirius ran his hands down his face, battling with the conflicting thought in his head. It was too much, too much for him to fully understand. “Why didn’t you tell me, Reg? We could have— we could have sorted something out.”

“Really?” Regulus asked disbelievingly. “You wouldn’t have  _ cared _ —”

“That’s a damn  _ lie _ !” the oldest brother snapped, angry at the accusation. “I might not have shown it but I would care, goddamnit. You're my  _ brother _ , remember?”

“How can you—” Regulus breathed, trying to calm his frayed nerves. His throat clenched tightly around words he wanted to say, words he’d never spoken, words he’d sworn not to. “How do you keep saying that as if you didn’t spend the last five years ignoring me, Sirius?”

Sirius seemed to freeze, unable to form an answer. “I don’t—  _ God _ , I don’t know you anymore, Reg. I have  _ no clue _ who you are. All I know are memories, and those are as fucked up as you  _ yourself _ are. You were my little brother, the only thing keeping me at Grimmauld Place. And then you were some— some  _ puppet _ for mother and father to control and suddenly I didn’t know who you were. I couldn’t tell if the  _ perfect pureblood heir _ was a mask or if the  _ nerdy little brother _ was a mask. I  _ didn’t know _ . And then— then that night happened and I couldn’t trust anything anymore so I left. You were the only reason I stayed, and when you weren’t my brother anymore, I had to go. How could— can you really blame me for that?”

Regulus steeled himself, shoulders closing back in. “No,” he replied, Veritaserum still loose on his tongue, “I can’t.”

The two brothers stared at each other; both of their throats tight with unsaid words, shared memories.

(  _ “I’m sorry, Sirius, please forgive— please forgive me. You have to forgive me.” _ )

“There’s a spy in the Order,” Lily spoke up, tired of still not having the answers she wanted. “What do you know about them?”

James looked at her with wide eyes, as if asking  _ ‘what the bloody hell are you thinking?’ _ . “ _ Lily _ , you can’t—”

The redhead glanced at him only for a moment before turning her attention back to Regulus Black. “Who is the spy?”

They all had their suspects. Sirius, of course, thought it could be Remus. Remus thought it could be Sirius. Neither of them wanted it to be the other but too many coincidences were piling up. Remus always being away on ‘confidential business’ and Sirius being… well, being a Black. And with Regulus showing up, Remus’ suspicions were looking even more likely.

The Slytherin looked apprehensive for a moment, a flicker of hesitation lighting up his eyes. “I don’t… I don’t know. The Dark Lord makes all spies wear masks. He’s stricter about keeping their identity’s secret more than others.”

Remus’ jaw clenched.  _ But he’d know his brother, even under a mask. _ “Do you know their height? Voice? Anything distinguishable?”

“Short, not very fit. I always thought the voice was a bit high pitched for a male, but it wasn’t anything  _ particularly _ notable.”

Sirius felt a stone drop to the pit of his stomach. “Short? Shorter than you?” he asked with raised brows.

Regulus shook his head. “No not— I’m not  _ that _ short, Sirius.”

The eldest brother rolled his eyes. “You’re a midget, Reg. You barely reach Remus’ shoulder—”

“How tall?” Lily demanded. “Specifics, Regulus.”

The eighteen-year-old sighed. “An inch taller than me, maybe. I don’t know, I didn’t stand  _ next _ to him. He seemed older than me, but not by much. Skin was pale but not as pale as me. Same tone as Sirius, I guess. Slightly pinker. It was only his hands though so,” he shrugged. “Wider than me—”

“Everyone’s wider than you, Regulus, you’re a bloody twig,” Sirius interrupted.

“Do you want my help or  _ not _ ?” the younger brother snapped. He sighed when Sirius shut up, before continuing. “A little bit chubby, I suppose. Kind of like Sirius—”

“Hey!” he exclaimed, albeit it obviously a joke. Sirius was anything  _ but _ chubby.

“There are a lot of  _ ‘like Sirius’ _ ’s going around,” Remus noted, shuffling on his feet. He looked up from under his fringe.

There was a pause as everyone realised what he meant. “Wh— you think the spy is  _ Sirius _ ?” Regulus questioned, looking like he was ready to laugh. When nobody corrected him, he really  _ did _ start giggling quietly. He smothered it with a hand, before pulling his lips between his teeth to hide his smile.

Sirius scowled at his brother’s amusement. The others looked apprehensive.

“ _ Some people _ ,” James began with a pointed look towards Remus, “have suspicions.”

“Sorry, it’s just…” Regulus said once he’d composed himself. “Sirius working for the Dark Lord—”

He began chuckling silently again. James tried not to do the same, since he found everyone’s laugh contagious.

Lily’s eyes twitched. “And you find this amusing?”

Regulus swung his gaze over to the redhead. Despite the forced smile pulling at his lips, his eyes looked tired. “A little bit,” the Veritaserum answered for him. “You think  _ Sirius _ , the one who ran away from his bigoted, psychopathic parents at the age of fifteen, would turn to the side of said bigoted psychopaths? He may have been disloyal to his family but he chose  _ you _ , remember?”

“We’re not saying it’s willing. There’s was a possibility that Voldemort may blackmail—” 

Remus was cut off when the young Black began laughing again, but it sounded cold and  _ wrong _ . “And you think he’d choose— what,  _ mother and father _ over you?”

“Or you,” Remus suggested.

Regulus’ false smile fell. “Merlin, you really  _ are _ daft. He would never choose me over his  _ real _ brothers, right Sirius?”

“Don’t say that.”

“Why not?” Regulus questioned bitterly. “You know it’s true. You told me yourself, remember?  _ James was more of a brother than you ever were _ . That’s what you said. I was  _ thirteen _ and you told me that someone you’d known for  _ four years _ was more of a brother than one you’d known since  _ birth _ . You don’t need to lie, I know.”

James shuffled where he sat, trying to figure out why he felt so guilty.  _ Regulus still got marked, he still went to the other side. I shouldn’t feel guilty. _

“God, it’s cruel that you’re making me talk about this while on Veritaserum. It’s a new level of  _ low _ , Sirius.”

“Why?” the eldest brother inquired. “Would you keep quiet if you could choose? Would you not tell me?”

“Of course I wouldn’t tell you,” Regulus snapped, brows narrowed in disdain. “This wasn’t part of the deal. I would provide information on the Dark Lord and anything else that would help.”

“Well then thank Merlin that we are talking about this. I can’t believe you would keep all of this from me. I mean  _ seriously _ , Regulus—”

“You left!” the Slytherin hissed. “You  _ left _ . You have no right—”

“Is the spy Sirius or not?” Lily interrupted, impatient at that point.

“No, the spy is not Sirius. You’d be a true  _ idiot _ to think he is,” Regulus replied. “It couldn’t be anyone in this room, I’m almost certain.”

Remus didn’t want to sigh in relief just yet— “Are you  _ absolutely _ confident in that statement?”

Regulus turned, ready to snap a vicious  _ ‘I don’t know’ _ when he stopped himself. He said he’d help… he had to help. Was he certain that these people were all off the hook?

It couldn’t be Sirius; Regulus would recognise his brother’s voice and the Dark Lord wouldn’t risk that. He was too stubborn anyway, too protective, too loyal. It couldn’t be Remus either; he was way too tall to be the spy Regulus sometimes caught eye of. And he’d feel too guilty. He seemed like the type of person who’d remove themself from the equation before they could do something they’d regret. It wasn’t Lily; she was a female. Obviously. 

And James… it couldn’t be James. Regulus looked at the man for a moment, thinking of those years when he used to secretly pine over him.  _ The one Sirius chose _ . He was always so jealous of him. He wanted to hate him, but a small part of him was adamant on admiring him instead.

James Potter was a mix of his other two friends. Too stubborn, too unwilling. And his  _ son _ — he would never wish harm upon his wife and son.  _ Maybe the Dark Lord promised him safety? _ a thought arose, but Regulus quickly pushed it down. He wasn’t  _ that _ dumb. The Dark Lord never keeps promises of safety. It was in Voldemort’s green, Slytherin blood to protect himself when it came down to it.

“I’m sure,” the eighteen-year-old promised after a moment. His voice sounded stronger than it had been before. “It can’t be anyone here.”

“What if they were taking Polyjuice?”

Regulus shook his head as if the idea was obviously incorrect. “The Dark Lord is too prideful to think his own followers would betray him. And he’s right in that, nobody can betray him without being found and ultimately killed. Polyjuice would mean that he suspected someone would leak who the spy was. He has too much assurance in himself and his skill in Legilimency to think someone could be spreading secrets. He’s too arrogant to think he would require such a precaution as Polyjuice.”

The room fell into a contemplative silence as they processed the Slytherin had said.

“Thank Merlin’s saggy ball sack,” James breathed out, shoulders dropping with something akin to relief. “I  _ told _ you idiots.”

Both Remus and Sirius shuffled in guilt. Or embarrassment. You never knew with Gryffindors. Sirius even had the audacity to  _ pout _ .

“I didn’t want to believe it, but I just—” Sirius started.

“Kept seeing reasons to think it was true?” Remus finished with a raised brow. He paused, before sighing in defeat. “The war is driving us half mad. Sorry for doubting you, Sirius. Really.”

And the way Sirius’ eyes shone made Regulus resist rolling his eyes. The warm admiration. The twinkle of joy. The glow of hope. His  _ crush _ on Lupin was so painfully obvious. The idea of his older brother being in a relationship with someone made him shudder. Sirius didn’t do  _ commitment _ .

“I’m so glad it’s not you. I’m  _ so fucking glad _ ,” Sirius breathed out, leaning his head on Remus’ chest when the werewolf came to stand behind him. “I really thought I’d have to fight you, Moony.”

“I thought so too.”

The tone of Lupin’s voice (the love, the  _ care _ ) made Regulus gag.

“Get a room, why don’t you,” he scoffed.

Sirius’ eyes drifted to meet his younger brother’s. The ghost of admiration still glowed in his eyes from when he had been looking at Remus, and Regulus felt his heart clench painfully.

“Just because you can’t stand being in the same room as anyone showing that they  _ care _ for someone—”

“The word itself makes me physically ill,” Regulus deadpanned. When the four Gryffindor’s brows furrowed in slight concern, he rolled his eyes. “That was  _ sarcasm _ . Slytherins tend to use a lot of it.”

“Right,” said Lily, voice clipped. Regulus’ eyes drifted down to where her hand was clenched tightly in James’ and resisted the urge to roll his eyes again.

Instead, he straightened his back and addressed the red head with a raised chin. “Are we done, then?”

The four Gryffindors all met eyes. Regulus waited patiently as they came to some sort of mental-agreement and raised an angled brow when James finally opened his mouth.

“What were you… plans, exactly?” he questioned. When he was met with silence, he fumbled over his words once again. “I mean, what were planning on doing after all this? Where were you going to go? Who were you going to tell?”

Regulus stared at him as though he was a complete idiot. “Didn’t I  _ just tell you _ —”

“You weren’t expecting to survive, we know,” Lily interrupted and Sirius winced once again. “Cut surely you had  _ some _ sort of contingency plan.”

The Slytherin swallowed his pride for a moment, reminding himself that being a snarky little shit wasn’t going to help in his case. He was sure the effects of the Veritaserum had faded by now, since the unexplainable instinct to speak everything he knew had gone.

“No I…” he averted his eyes when Sirius looked at him, hating the feeling of vulnerability that had clawed its way between his shoulder blades. “I honestly hadn’t thought of the possibility of me surviving. It was never considered an option, really.”

The four adults met eyes again. “So you don’t know where you’re going from this point,” said Remus, head dipped as if he was asking a child a question.

The patronising action ignited a burning irritation in the back of Regulus’ throat. “You don’t have to treat me like an  _ infant _ , Lupin.”

“We’re just trying to help,” James sighed.

The Slytherin’s eyes zeroed in on him next. “Well then I don’t  _ need _ you help—”

“Yes you do, Reg,” said Sirius. He looked pained, and for a moment Regulus thought he saw his eyes glimmering with tears.  _ A stupid prospect, really _ . “You just willingly walked to your  _ death _ . I think there’s  _ a lot _ you need help with, things I’ll eventually have to get to because it's bloody concerning.”

_ Concerning? _ Regulus wanted to ask.  _ Where was your concern when you left me with mother and father? Where was your concern when I actually needed it? Dreamed for it? _

“But first we need to sort out where you’re staying,” Lily continued on behalf of Sirius. Her tone was all mother-y and  _ gross _ .

Regulus’ brows furrowed in confusion. “There are plenty of Black family residences under my name. Mother wouldn’t notice.”

Sirius opened his mouth to speak before closing it again. He looked to Lily for help.

“We can’t just let you go and live by yourself. It’s too risky. Besides, I don’t… I don’t think I could live with myself if I just let a child be alone while a war is going on.”

“ _ Child— _ ” Regulus started indigintly.

“We’re asking if you’d like to stay with us, Reg.”

There was silence as Regulus processed just what his brother had said.  _ Stay? _ He thought.  _ With Sirius? _ “I— what?”

Sirius shifted uncomfortably. “We’re asking if you—”

“No, I heard you the first time,” said Regulus with a shake of his head. “It’s just… why? Why are you offering your  _ home _ to me?

“Do you not want to?”

“Of course I do—”

Regulus stopped himself once he realised what he said. A small, knowing smile tugged at the corners of Sirius' lips, and the Slytherin glared disdainfully.

“I didn’t mean that.”

“Sure you didn’t.”


End file.
